well hell

ok, i did not make it into the next round of writing for the smashingpumpkins.com job. sucks for me, but one of the people that i know did make it, so i am happy for him. he is a super cool dude and he deserves it. i hope he makes it to the top 5.

as of right now i am having a crisis.

what kind of crisis you might say.

well, i have been thinking about where my life is going, and if there is a purpose to it all. am i just to be one of the nameless, facless beings? or am i to leave a bigger mark on this world? should i just trudge along? or should i make the road? and if i am to make a bigger mark, and make the road, how, and why?

maybe it is just questions that everyone asks theresleves. and maybe i am just in termoil because i am in my saturn return. i didn't really know about the saturn return, then i did some research and wow. 27-30 is a hard time. not only because you feel like you might be getting old, which is silly cause 30 isn't old, or because you know that it is a next part of your life? i really don't know. i am just going to try and make it through. one day at a time. but doesn't that conflict with the bigger picture in my head? i think it does and that might be why i am having such a hard time right now.

being a mom, and a wife, and wanting to keep my own identity is hard. why does it have to be so hard? i try and not think about it, but it is like a huge guy in my mind that keeps opening the door to these thoughts. i try and close it, lock it and put a chair infront of the door, but then he pushes right on through.

how do people do it? that is what i don't know. if someone out there knows how please let me know.

ok, i am in a writing slump again, and i don't know if i can finish what i started, not because the words are not there, because i don't know if i want to finish, what if it sucks, what if no body likes it, what if, what if, what if.

i hate the whatif's they suck ass hard.

well that is enough from the pity party. i might be back with something else later. but i don't know. have a good day

ttyl maybe, if i don't drown in the whatif's.